Arranging respite care for the first time can feel like a big step.

You might have spent months or even years caring for your mum, dad, partner or another loved one. The thought of leaving their care to somebody else (even for a few days) can bring a mixture of relief, guilt and a lot of questions.

What if they don't settle? Will they understand why I'm leaving? Can I call while I'm away? What happens if they become unwell? What should I pack? Will they still be independent?

These are all questions our care teams hear regularly.

At Dovehaven, our teams support families arranging respite care across the North West, and we asked our care leaders to share the questions families ask most often, and the practical advice they give from their own experience.

This guide includes insights from Rachel Preston, Home Manager at Manchester House; Sue Rigg, Home Manager at Westcliffe Manor; and Jan Hunstone, Regional Manager at Dovehaven.

What if Mum or Dad doesn't settle?

This is one of the biggest worries families have before a first respite stay, particularly when someone is living with dementia or is used to being at home. Our teams take time to help each person get to know their surroundings, the people caring for them and the routine of the home.

There are things families can do to help too. Bringing photographs, a favourite cushion or blanket, books or other familiar belongings can help make a new room feel more like home. Depending on the person and the home, families can also visit during their stay or have a meal together.

Jan Hunstone, Regional Manager at Dovehaven, says:

"We make every effort to settle someone, but knowing that they can call you or you can come into the home and have a meal with them will help settle them, as well as bringing some photos to make their room look familiar to them."

And remember, settling in doesn't necessarily happen on the first day. Some people simply need a little time to find their feet.

Planning a longer holiday? If your loved one has never had respite before, our teams may recommend trying a shorter stay first. This can give everyone confidence before arranging a longer break.

Will Dad understand why I'm leaving?

This can be particularly difficult if your loved one has dementia or finds changes to their routine confusing.

Our advice is to be honest and reassuring where appropriate. Explain that you're having a break, that they will be looked after and that you'll be coming back. If you say you'll call on a particular day or return at a particular time, try to keep that promise. Familiarity and consistency can provide reassurance.

If you're unsure how best to explain the stay, talk to the care team beforehand. They can help you think through what may work best for your loved one.

Can I call while they're staying with you?

Of course!

Our teams understand that keeping in touch can be reassuring for families and residents alike. We can also facilitate video calls where appropriate. For video calls, it can be helpful to arrange a time with the home beforehand so your loved one can be somewhere quiet and comfortable.

While you're away, remember that you are allowed to enjoy your break too. A respite stay is there to give you time to rest and recharge, without constantly worrying about whether your loved one is okay.

What happens on the first day?

The first day is about helping your loved one feel comfortable and getting to know them as an individual.

They'll be shown around the home and introduced to members of the team and, where appropriate, other residents. They'll learn about meals and activities, and the team will help them settle into their room.

We'll also want to understand their usual routine and preferences, including:

• What time they normally get up and go to bed
• Favourite foods and drinks
• Foods they don't like
• Personal care preferences
• Medication
• Hobbies and interests
• How they normally spend their day
• Anything that helps them feel comfortable or reassured

Jan explains:

"We ask questions about likes, dislikes and preferences for meal times, bed time and time to get up, so the staff can get to know their routine."

That information helps the team provide care that feels familiar rather than expecting someone to simply adapt to a completely new routine.

Can someone stay for just a weekend?

Yes, depending on availability and their care needs.

Respite care doesn't have to mean a two-week stay. It might be a weekend, a few days, a week or several weeks. People arrange respite for many different reasons, from going on holiday or attending a family celebration to recovering from illness or simply needing some time to recharge.

If you know when you'll need respite, it's worth starting the conversation early. Respite care can be particularly popular during school holidays and other busy periods.

What should we bring?

Think about what your loved one uses every day and anything that will help them feel at home.

This could include:

• Comfortable clothes and nightwear
• Suitable footwear
• Toiletries
• Glasses and hearing aids
• Chargers and batteries
• Mobile phone and charger
• Favourite photographs or personal belongings
• Books or other familiar items
• Their own pillow or bedding, if they prefer

Your care team will also explain what is needed regarding medication and healthcare information before the stay.

If you're unsure whether to bring something, ask. It's often the little familiar things that make the biggest difference.

What if they don't like the food?

"Mum is really fussy."

It's something our teams hear quite often, and it's useful for us to know.

We'll ask about food preferences and dietary requirements, and our kitchen teams can offer alternatives where someone doesn't like what's on the menu.

A change in surroundings can sometimes affect someone's appetite too, particularly if someone is anxious about being somewhere new. If the team has concerns about someone not eating well or losing weight, they'll respond appropriately and involve relevant healthcare professionals where needed.

So tell us what your loved one likes. If they've had the same breakfast for 20 years, we'd rather know.

What activities will they be able to do?

Activities vary between our homes and are shaped around the people who live there.

There may be gardening, music, games, creative activities, entertainment, gentle exercise, outings and social events, but taking part isn't compulsory. Some people love being around others. Someone else might prefer a quiet cup of tea, reading or spending time in their room.

Rachel Preston, Home Manager at Manchester House, explains:

"We would never enforce socialisation or activities on a person. If it transpires that they genuinely prefer alone time, then that's fine."

It's about finding out what your loved one enjoys, rather than expecting everyone to join in.

Will they still be independent?

Families sometimes worry that going into a care home, even temporarily, could mean losing independence.

Our teams aim to support people to do as much as they safely can for themselves. Sometimes, a person can actually flourish when they're no longer reliant on a family member for their everyday care.

Rachel explains:

"Sometimes the resident may flourish in a care home because they no longer feel reliant on a loved one to be their primary carer."

For some families, respite can also provide a welcome change in the relationship. Instead of every interaction being about medication, appointments, meals or personal care, you can simply spend time together as mum and daughter, dad and son, or husband and wife.

What about personal care preferences?

Personal care is exactly that - personal.

Families may have preferences around male or female carers for cultural, religious, personal or simply individual reasons. These are things you should feel comfortable discussing with the care team before a respite stay.

At Manchester House, for example, Rachel explains that families and residents are asked about their preferences, and care plans can be updated if preferences become clearer during the stay. Your loved one's dignity, choices and comfort matter.

What happens if they become unwell?

Families understandably want to know what happens if their loved one's health changes while they're away.

Care teams monitor residents' health and wellbeing and will respond if someone becomes unwell, involving the appropriate healthcare professionals when necessary. If hospital treatment is required, this will depend on the person's medical needs and local arrangements. If your loved one has complex health needs, existing referrals or ongoing treatment, make sure you discuss these with the home before their respite stay

Do they need to change GP?

Not necessarily.

GP arrangements can depend on the home, the person's existing GP and where they live.

At Manchester House, Rachel explains that residents are supported through the home's local GP arrangements, while a preference to remain with an existing GP can be respected where the practice's catchment area allows.

If your loved one has existing healthcare appointments or referrals, tell the home before the stay so their needs can be discussed as part of the planning process.

Will I still be involved in their care?

Families sometimes worry that they'll lose their role once their loved one enters a care home.

Our teams work with residents and their families to understand who should be involved in care and healthcare decisions, taking into account the person's wishes, capacity and any legal arrangements such as a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA). If you have an LPA, let the home know and provide the relevant documentation.

And if you're unsure about your role, ask. Open communication between families and care teams is an important part of good care.

What if they want to come home?

Sometimes someone may miss home or feel they don't want to continue their stay.

If this happens, the first step is understanding why. The care team can talk to the person and their family and consider whether anything could help them feel more comfortable. Respite care should never feel like someone is trapped somewhere they don't want to be.

The home's fees and arrangements if a stay ends earlier than planned should always be explained before booking.

What if they love it and don't want to come home?

It happens too. Someone who was nervous about respite may discover that they enjoy the companionship, activities and support that a care home provides.

If your loved one wants to stay longer, talk to the Home Manager. Depending on availability, care needs and funding arrangements, it's usually possible to extend their stay or discuss longer-term care.

Enjoying respite doesn't mean they have to move into a care home permanently. It can simply mean they've found somewhere they feel comfortable.

How can we make a first respite stay easier?

There is no way to remove every worry, but a little preparation can make the experience easier for everyone.

Before the stay

• ‍Visit the home. Meet the team and let your loved one see where they'll be staying.‍
• Share their routine. Tell the team about their likes, dislikes, routines, interests and anything that helps them feel comfortable.‍
• Bring familiar things. Photographs and personal belongings can help make an unfamiliar room feel more familiar.‍
• Talk about the stay. Where appropriate, explain what will happen and reassure them that you'll be back.‍
• Plan ahead. Especially if you're travelling during a busy holiday period.‍
• Consider a shorter first stay. If you're planning a longer holiday and your loved one has never had respite care before, ask whether a shorter stay first could be helpful.

The question behind all the questions

When families ask:

"What if Mum doesn't settle?"

"Can I call?"

"What happens if she becomes unwell?"

"Will she still be independent?"

They're often really asking:

"Can I trust you to look after someone I love?"

We understand. Choosing respite care for the first time is a big decision. That's why our teams believe the conversation should start before the stay, not when someone arrives at the front door.

Come and visit. Meet the team. Tell us about your loved one. Ask the questions you're worried about. We'll listen.

Respite care isn't about taking someone away from the life they know. It's about giving them a safe, welcoming place to stay while giving the person who cares for them the opportunity to rest, recharge and return with greater peace of mind.

Looking for respite care in the North West?

Dovehaven provides residential, nursing, dementia, and specialist care across the North West, with respite care available at selected homes depending on individual needs and availability.

If you're considering respite care in the North West, our friendly teams can talk through your loved one's needs, explain how a short-term stay works and arrange a visit.

You don't need to have all the answers before you get in touch.

Read our guide: Respite Care in the North West – What Is Respite Care?

Planning a summer break? Read: Planning Summer Respite Care – A Guide for Family Carers

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